The Curious Case of Scooter Boy

(Disclaimer: This blog post is meant to be humorous. If you take this seriously, you should stop taking yourself so seriously. However, if you are incapable of this, I promise to buy you a discounted plate of pancakes at IHOP at 4AM next Tuesday…)

Regardless of your political affiliation and feelings on President Obama’s most recent sweeping Health Care legislation, I have found an area that needs some change and oversight: The systems and interchanges utilized for tracking certain pieces of data. Why, you ask? Well, at the ripe age of 30 years old, I was sent an official card and letter letting me know I am now eligible for an AARP membership! I posit that by renting my now infamous Scooter, that I was placed into a ‘system’ or ‘criteria’ that automatically got kicked to the fine folks at AARP.

Therefore, since AARP’s CEO Addison Barry Rand was kind enough to send this letter and list the 6 major benefits of being an AARP member, I’d like to list the 6 things I’m most looking forward to as a card-carrying member:

1) The Stuff I’m Going to Get Away With: Perhaps it’s stealing batteries. Perhaps it’s going 45 in the fast lane. Perhaps it’s an errant smack of a formative year’s bum. Perhaps it’s holding up traffic crossing the street. Perhaps it’s keeping the ball that gets hit over my fence. In the immortal words of perhaps the most underrated Seinfeld character, Uncle Leo, I shall proclaim: “I’m an old man! I’m confused.”

2) Adult Incontinence Products: I was recently on a trip to a client and a freak, unpredicted snow storm (like that’s possible) caused a traffic jam the likes of which I’ve never seen. I tend to be energetic with a rip-roaring metabolism (which could also be the 45 cups of coffee I drink every day), so I had to pee like the Dickens (what does that actually mean?). Now that I’m officially an AARP member, I will certainly enjoy my discounted supply of products that will clearly help this situation. Need I really go into more detail?

3) Discounts: The amount and array of discounts offered to folks with an AARP card is staggering! Who doesn’t love a $30 hotel room or a $1 Subway sandwich (cue, Dolla, 1 Dolla Footlong)? When the girl over the counter looks at me perplexed because I look 25 (I’m seriously 30 ladies, I shizit you not), I’ll simply whip out the card that good ‘ol Adds (we’re close) sent me and say that I’d like that Double Cheeseburger off the Nickel Menu.

4) Eating: I’m really going to dig getting up at 3:30AM, breakfast at Denny’s at 4AM, Lunch at the club at 10:30AM and dinner at 4PM.

5) Driving: When I hit my own mailbox and my neighbor’s tree with my wife chasing after me with a golf club, I’ll have a legitimate excuse and alibi. My age, of course; which is clearly better than being under the influence of alcohol and painkillers due to the recent confession of my 15 affairs, including that friendly waitress at Perkins.

6) Being a Grandparent: I’m at the age where I’m constantly being asked when children are coming. It’s kind of a personal thing, but I can certainly understand the want to be a Grandparent. Now that I’m officially in ‘The Club’, I’m thinking I’m just going to skip the Parent thing and go straight to being a Grandparent. Who doesn’t want that? The kids always want to see you, you can give them candy and get away with it, they bring you gifts, smiles and cheers and, the best part: You get to give them back at the end of the day.

There you have it. I’m totally psyched to begin my official life as an old person. After typing the above, I’m realizing more and more just how awesome it is to be old.

For Your Space,

Steven.